The Three Musketeers: Chapter 7 - 10

Alright boys and girls, that's quite enough swashbuckling excitement and adventure, it's on to plot and character development! (I decided to look up swashbuckling because it's a weird word.  Apparently there is no such thing as a "swashbuckle", nor is "to swashbuckle" an appropriate verb.  You can only be a swashbuckler, or engage in swashbuckling)

Mr. Dumbass Dumas takes a chapter here to advise us on the character of our four heroes.  The chapter title is "The Interior of the Musketeers", which made me afraid that I was about to have a graphic scene of Frenchmen engaged in teh buttsecks, but it would seem that there is a God after all.

 

Protecting us from the gayz

Our boys are fresh of their meeting with the king, gold heavy in their pockets.  They throw a party, and D'Artagnan hires a servant (the other three we learn, already have servants).  Soon enough, the gold starts to run out, and D'Artagnan's servant threatens to quit.  Athos, I am not making this up, tells D' to beat his servant.  Yeah.  He does, and the servant has a change of heart and decides to stick around.  This proves, once and for all, that the French are giant pussies.

 

 consider yourself lucky there is no picture to go with this caption

We are treated to a description of each of the The Three Musketeers.  Athos is quiet and even tempered, but apparently beats his servant frequently.  He talks as little as possible, and gets grouchy when the subject of women comes up.  He has a sword hanging on his wall that is worth a ton of money, but won't part with it at any price.  He also has a portrait of a nobleman, and gold box with a key that he keeps on his person at all times.  He is a frequent gambler, who never seems to have problems paying off his debts. It would seem that there is a secret past here...Is Athos a disgraced nobleman in hiding among the Musketeers?  Tonight on TMZ!

Porthos is the exact opposite of Athos, a loudmouthed braggart, with an equally bombastic servant.  He dresses very well and keeps a fine apartment (that no one has ever been inside).  He speaks frequently and openly about his many mistresses, and parties his ass off. Porthos also gambles, and when he loses, he disappears for several days, but always comes back with the money.  Where is he going to get it?

Aramis seems to have no bad habits, and actually aspires to the priesthood.  We aren't told what keeps him from doing so.  Right now he is my least favorite of the three.

Anyways, with that boring shit out of the way, it's on to plot development!  Once the king's gold runs out, they start acting like starving college students.  They each endeavor to get invited to parties with free food, then invite their friends to the party to eat all the hosts food!  That is rather assholish if you ask me.  So what do trained swordsmen do when work isn't paying well enough and they don't have the cash to support their gambling, drinking, partying habits and their servants and wardrobes?  Freelance!

D's landlord comes to him with a problem.  His wife has been kidnapped!  A large reward is offered for her return.  Here's where the plot comes in.  His wife is a handmaid to the queen.  The Cardinal is in love with the Queen, but she doesn't love him back.  She doesn't love the King either.  She loves the English Duke of Buckingham.  The Queen's steward told D's landlord that his wife was kidnapped by the Cardinal to see if she knows if the Duke of Buckingham is in town.  Apparently the French court is like an episode of Days of Our Lives.

 

Will Jessie and Ryan ever realize their true passion is for food?

So via a somewhat complex process that doesn't need to be repeated, D' manages to get the wife back, but lets the husband get arrested in the meantime.  He does manage to once again kick Cardinal's Guard ass when they try to rearrest the wife. (King - 3, Cardinal - 0).  We are told frequently that the wife is hot, and D'Artagnan notices.  Nothing happens though (yet).   The queen's steward tells D' that he does not want this shit coming back on him, and needs to find an alibi.  D' goes to see Mr. T, but set's the wall clock back before he gets there, and sets it back forward after he leaves.  Voila, airtight alibi from an unimpeachable source.  Speaking of which, I was with you guys from 2:30-4:30 last night. Cool?