Drinking: Oregon Pinot Noir
The only experience I have with this story is with the1993 Disney movie, which starred Charlie Sheen, Keifer Sutherland, Chris O'Donnel, Tim Curry, Win, and a totally bitchin' single by Brian Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting. I am going to guess that this book will be nothing like it.
Fear the goatee of EVIL
When we start out, we meet young D'Artagnan, fresh from his father's deathbed. Dear old dad was a friend to the Captain of the Musketeers, a Mr. Treville. He gives D'Artagnan some cash, a horse, and a letter of introduction to Mr. T, as we shall call him henceforth.
Pitying fools since 1624
D'Artagnan's dad sends him out to make his fortune in the big world, with the following instructions. Be a colossal dick. Seriously. He tells him that the King, The Cardinal, and Mr. T are the only people deserving of respect in the world, and he should totally fight to the death anyone who gives him lip. D'Artagnan does just that. He rides to Paris, threatening people with a sword the whole way. What a douche. He's about to learn, though. He comes into some town, and he sees some guy a ways off looking in his direction and laughing. Now, as D'Artagnan and Tupac know, anyone who might have disrespected you, totally deserves to be stabbed to death.
Mr. Mysterious stranger is challenged to a duel, and totally ruins D'Artagnan's shit. Using a stick, he breaks the kid's sword, and cracks his head. He take's D's letter of introduction, then meets with a mysterious beautiful woman, and gives her box, telling her the Cardinal wants her back in England....So we have this dude with ninja skills, who has a hot girlfriend, and beats up hot-tempered douchebags with a stick. Why isn't he the hero of this story?
Moving on, D' gets to Paris and heads for the Musketeer HQ. Here we learn that Musketeers are like the Delta Force of 17th century France. They get into 3 on 1 fights and win, they walk around town half drunk acting like they own the place, and they hate the Navy Seals, played in this book by the Cardinal's guards. So it looks like at this point, France has 2 men of about equal power; Cardinal Richelieu, and King Louis XIII, each with their own highly trained fighting force, living in the same city. This will have a happy ending for the citizens of Paris, rest assured.
Happy like Christmas
D' goes and meets Mr. T, and interrupts a meeting with the fellows we've been waiting to see. Athos, Porthos, and Aramis are getting chewed out for getting into a fight with the Cardinal's Guards. They aren't in trouble for fighting. They're in trouble because Athos got hurt in the duel, and they only were able to kill 2 of their opponents. Bad ass.
The Three Musketeers leave, and D' has his interview with Mr. T. He's told that most musketeers have to serve a couple years in the army, and distinguish themselves in combat to be considered. But seeing as he's an old friend of dear old dad, he'll get him entry to an academy on the fast track to Musketeerhood. It's good to know, that with enough hard work, dedication, weath, priviledge, and back-door favors for family, even a noble son from a completely different county can get ahead. Who says there is no justice in the world? Mr. T is very interested in Mr. Mysterious stranger who stole his letter, clearly he knows him. Hmm...the plot thickens...
So we're in the interview, when D' happens to look out the window and see...DUN DUN DUNNNN...Mr. Mysterious stranger! He sprints from the room in pursuit, and during his chase, manages to offend each of the three musketeers so badly that they challenge him to a duel to the death. Athos, for accidentally hitting him in his wound. Porthos, for pointing out a fashion faux-pas, and Aramis for discovering that he's totally banging some noble's wife. Apparently duels to the death were acceptable conflict resolution for just about any issue in those days. Also bad ass. The stranger gets away though.
So now, D' is getting set to fight the three best swordsmen in France, and realizes that he's totally about to die. He's saved when the Cardinal's Guards show up and announce that everyone is under arrest for the crime of dueling. Wait, dueling is a crime? D' has been trying to do it, for like, the entire book. Apparently dear old dad is an even bigger dick than originally suspected. D' decides to throw in with the musketeers, because it's totally logical to trust the people who were about to kill you to have your back in a fight.
Ah, well...fight scene! Blades are drawn and it's not looking great, since D' and the Musketeers are outnumbered 5 to 4 - one of them wounded. We immediately find out that this doesn't matter much as our young protagonist and friends proceed to KILL the SHIT out of 3 of the guys, leaving two alive to go spread the word. The word is: FAIL.
At the end of chapter 5 they head back to report to Mr. T, and D'Artagnan seems to be headed for musketeerhood even faster than we expected. Woo hoo!
Mr. Mysterious stranger is challenged to a duel, and totally ruins D'Artagnan's shit. Using a stick, he breaks the kid's sword, and cracks his head. He take's D's letter of introduction, then meets with a mysterious beautiful woman, and gives her box, telling her the Cardinal wants her back in England....So we have this dude with ninja skills, who has a hot girlfriend, and beats up hot-tempered douchebags with a stick. Why isn't he the hero of this story?
Moving on, D' gets to Paris and heads for the Musketeer HQ. Here we learn that Musketeers are like the Delta Force of 17th century France. They get into 3 on 1 fights and win, they walk around town half drunk acting like they own the place, and they hate the Navy Seals, played in this book by the Cardinal's guards. So it looks like at this point, France has 2 men of about equal power; Cardinal Richelieu, and King Louis XIII, each with their own highly trained fighting force, living in the same city. This will have a happy ending for the citizens of Paris, rest assured.
Happy like Christmas
D' goes and meets Mr. T, and interrupts a meeting with the fellows we've been waiting to see. Athos, Porthos, and Aramis are getting chewed out for getting into a fight with the Cardinal's Guards. They aren't in trouble for fighting. They're in trouble because Athos got hurt in the duel, and they only were able to kill 2 of their opponents. Bad ass.
The Three Musketeers leave, and D' has his interview with Mr. T. He's told that most musketeers have to serve a couple years in the army, and distinguish themselves in combat to be considered. But seeing as he's an old friend of dear old dad, he'll get him entry to an academy on the fast track to Musketeerhood. It's good to know, that with enough hard work, dedication, weath, priviledge, and back-door favors for family, even a noble son from a completely different county can get ahead. Who says there is no justice in the world? Mr. T is very interested in Mr. Mysterious stranger who stole his letter, clearly he knows him. Hmm...the plot thickens...
So we're in the interview, when D' happens to look out the window and see...DUN DUN DUNNNN...Mr. Mysterious stranger! He sprints from the room in pursuit, and during his chase, manages to offend each of the three musketeers so badly that they challenge him to a duel to the death. Athos, for accidentally hitting him in his wound. Porthos, for pointing out a fashion faux-pas, and Aramis for discovering that he's totally banging some noble's wife. Apparently duels to the death were acceptable conflict resolution for just about any issue in those days. Also bad ass. The stranger gets away though.
So now, D' is getting set to fight the three best swordsmen in France, and realizes that he's totally about to die. He's saved when the Cardinal's Guards show up and announce that everyone is under arrest for the crime of dueling. Wait, dueling is a crime? D' has been trying to do it, for like, the entire book. Apparently dear old dad is an even bigger dick than originally suspected. D' decides to throw in with the musketeers, because it's totally logical to trust the people who were about to kill you to have your back in a fight.
Ah, well...fight scene! Blades are drawn and it's not looking great, since D' and the Musketeers are outnumbered 5 to 4 - one of them wounded. We immediately find out that this doesn't matter much as our young protagonist and friends proceed to KILL the SHIT out of 3 of the guys, leaving two alive to go spread the word. The word is: FAIL.
At the end of chapter 5 they head back to report to Mr. T, and D'Artagnan seems to be headed for musketeerhood even faster than we expected. Woo hoo!
